Training Daughters

I admit (OPENLY) that I do not have a clue how to raise a daughter. Growing up a daughter, with a sister, you would think I would have picked up a few things from my mom, but I guess I did not pay attention. Raising boys.....now THAT is something I can do. I read an amazing article the other day. I even shared it with Charlotte.....if you click here, you can read it too. I was majorly convicted during the first part of the article, but the last parts, actually made me think I might just be able to do this after all!

I thought back to when I was 12 and 13.....I had household duties which included, cleaning up the kitchen, vacuuming and dusting, keeping my room clean, and even doing the families laundry (wonder if that is why I detest laundry?). Charlotte has been given some duties over the last year. She has been in charge of her room for quite a while....she has to do her own laundry....she is asked to put Zach's laundry away....she is to wipe down the kid's bathroom daily and give it a good cleaning once a week, she empties the dishwasher, and she is to clean up the kitchen after dinner 4-5 nights a week. Does that sound like a lot? It really isn't. Her laundry is done once a week, as is Zach's. The kitchen is not a total mess....I clean as I cook (for the most part) so it is a matter of loading the dishwasher and wiping the counters and stove top. The kids bathroom takes about 4 minutes to wipe down and about 20 minutes to deep clean. All these jobs contained training. I worked with her and set standards of work. She met them in every task....until recently. Recently she half way makes her bed....there are dirty clothes on her floor AFTER she says her room is clean....the kids bathroom stinks......Zach's clothes have been a wrinkled mess, as are hers.......the counters and stove top never get wiped down after dinner and the sink is disgusting (you all know how I feel about a clean sink!) and I can not count how many times lately I have pulled a dirty spoon, fork, or knife out of the drawer. So.....what do I do? Do I criticize her? Do I make her go back and re-do the job? Do I follow her around making sure she does it all correctly? I really do not have the time, nor energy for any of that. Here is what I did....I pulled all of her jobs, except one....her bedroom. I explained to her there is a "ladder" to chores. You are trained in an area and when that area is mastered you move on. She seemed relieved that she no longer had chores. bwahahahah!!!!! Little did she know the ramifications to that!

As the days went by, my kitchen sparkled again.........laundry is folded nicely an put away.....the kids bathroom smells like a flower garden....and I can get a spoon out without picking a dried noodle off of it!

I did my (her) chores happily, singing and smiling through it all. It was not long before Charlotte began asking, "Mom, can I empty the dishwasher for you?", "Mom, do you want me to clean the kitchen? You can just relax tonight.", "Mom, I can load these dishes up for you." I would smile and say "No, thank you Charlotte. I noticed you are still learning how to clean your room. Just focus on that one job." She would reply, "My room is clean." I could easily come back with, "Sorry, Charlotte, but I saw pieces of paper all over your floor, and your laundry was "near" the hamper, but not "in" the hamper, and your bed looks like your still in it. You need to practice that job before you can move back up the ladder." Her face would drop and I would continue on with my own chores. Speaking of chores....I LOVE THIS STUFF!!!! It cleans great and smells wonderful! I feel like the Biggest Loser show....throwing a commercial into the middle of the post without you knowing! OK, back to Charlotte. The kicker came when she asked to make dinner....something she LOVES to do. "Sorry, honey, but that is way up the ladder.....you were there once and with some effort, you can make it again." All of a sudden her room was clean daily.....she has been allowed to move up a rung to unloading the dishwasher again. I explained that a dirty item would result in her stepping back a rung. So far, so good. Training daughters....it is no fun and I am not good at it!

Boys....let's talk boys for a minute. Zach is a master builder of Legos.He is also working hard to keep his room clean and his bed made. Since we moved all his toys downstairs, it has made it easier for him. We have also been working on "staying in bed at night" and let me say, he has done great! This kid was climbing out of his crib at 18 months and has been getting out of bed at night ever since. We put his bedtime back to 8 pm and told him when he could stay in bed 7 days in a row, he could have his "age appropriate" bedtime back. It worked....easy. Boys are a breeze!

Training kitten's is not hard either...."Go lay down, Sassy."Sassy is doing well....she always uses her litter box. She has not gotten on the counters, and she is willing to play whenever you want. She has a sinus infection and got a shot of antibiotics yesterday. She is eating well and is very playful, but her nose is stuffy and she sneezes alot. Dr. Frost thinks the shot will do the trick!I have spent most afternoons watching the Olympics and quilting.I am ready to turn the corner to the 3rd side of the quilt....my original goal was to be done with the body and starting the borders by Feb. 1st. Well that did not work out. Still, I will continue to work hard and cross this quilt off my list soon!

Of course, my chores will get done first!!! Gotta be that example! If you have a daughter, then you must read Mrs. Fuentes' article....again, you can find it by clicking here.Have a blessed day!!

Parenting...The Advanced Course

"I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth." 3 John 4

How many of us have ever said, "If I only could do it all over again?" If you have raised a child into adulthood (or even into those teen years) I think just maybe you have. I know I have thought that more than a dozen times. The thing is, I got that chance. Not with my boys...you can not go backwards, but with our second set of children. If I look back, I can honestly say I was a good mom. A very good mom no matter what standard you set. I would like to say before I even get started here, that each child is different and sometimes NO MATTER WHAT you do, that child may end up heading down a rough road by his own choices. Still, after raising 2 boys and watching my friends and family raise dozens of children into adulthood, I think I have some definite guidelines I grabbed onto this time around.

The first thing, and the biggest difference this time around, is that my children are home schooled."We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone {our children} with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone {our children} perfect in Christ. To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me." Colossians 1:28-29 (italics...my addition) NIV

I am not here to bash public or private schools. They are absolutely vital for most families. I am blessed to be able to home school my children. The reality is, I could have home schooled my boys too. I did home school Kyle at a certain time in his life, as the program available could not or would not meet his needs. My purpose in home schooling Charlotte and Zach is completely different. The public schools could give them a wonderful education. It could also give them an education I do not want them to have. That of a social learning. I sent Bud to public school his entire life, minus 3rd grade where he attended a Christian school. We lived in a small town where the public schools had one of the highest ratings in the state. He was offered a TOP notch education. "Do not be deceived: "Bad company corrupts good morals." 1 Corinthians 15:33

He graduated and went into the Army. My son was very active in sports, and church groups. He was popular with the boys and the girls and had a very busy social life. He was a good boy by worldly standards. His goal at 15 years old was to be a youth Pastor. He attended youth conferences and he never missed a Sunday or mid week service in his first 18 years of life. I found out later, he often snuck out of the house at night, was drinking by 17, started smoking at 16, was introduced to drugs by the Pastor's son, and had his first run in with the police with that same Pastors son...nothing major...caught swimming in a rock quarry in the middle of the night. He was to be at our Pastors home...they snuck out of there too. In the end my son is a good man, raising a family and working hard. He is also a prodigal. My heart is heavy for him. Could I have done anything different? I don't know. I do know I did my best. Now my best has changed.

"Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is" Ephesians 5:15-17 ESV

I can pick out a home schooled kid a mile away. They are all, for the most part, extremely polite, they are all very close to their siblings, treating each other with the utmost respect (again, for the most part). They are usually children who have great responsibility at home. I have met 17 year old girls who have never made their bed and have never emptied a dishwasher. Home school creates more than an education, it creates a standard of living.

"Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?" 2 Corinthians 6:14 KJV

Another change in this round of parenting, is the social scene for our children. We spend time as a family more than when we were raising the boys. Bud was always too busy with baseball, friends, activities, and we encouraged that. This time around those activities are very limited.

"Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Ephesians 6:4

I'm not saying they have nothing. They go to church weekly and during the school year are involved in Awanas. I am also there...they know that. What they are involved in, I am involved in.

"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-21

Raising Kyle was different than raising Bud...Kyle is handicapped and so he was more sheltered. He attended church just as his brother did. He did attend a public school most of his life and now works in an environment full of peer pressures (think adults with preteen minds). He LOVES rap music and his favorite "artists" are Kid Rock and Eminem...now let me say Kyle has NEVER owned an Eminem or Kid Rock CD or been allowed to listen to it. THAT is the power of peers pressure! A positive aspect for Kyle has been Special Olympics. Again...we are involved with him. Seeing him light the torch is a top highlight of my life! It is one of my proudest moments as a mother. "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 2:12 ESV

This has been a very different week considering our revamped parenting style. Charlotte went to Church Camp...6 days away from us. It was a difficult decision to let her go. She is wounded and struggles in her daily choices, so I was not sure how she would do. The encouragement from my Pastors, who were there the whole week, helped us to decide to let her go. Letting go....no that is the wrong term. "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him." James 1:5 ESV

She is 12. Still very young, and very impressionable. But it's church camp, right? No. that makes no difference. There will still be pressures for her. Is she strong enough? Does she have the ability to do the right thing? Make the right choices? Is she strong enough in the Lord to not allow those worldly influences in? I have a little twinge in my spirit that I am parenting in that same way I did with Bud. I did get a report. (that is Charlotte at her first day at camp with her cabin mates...she is sitting on the stair, bottom right)

"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." Proverbs 2:26

Our youth Pastor talked to his wife on Thursday. He told her that Charlotte is the "hit of the camp." Her camp counselors (the 2 older girls in the pic) LOVE her. Why? My first thought is she has "charmed" them. No. That is not it. They say she is the most polite young girl they have ever had. She treats everyone with respect. She has comforted those who are home sick. She keeps her bed and all her personal items neat and in order. She is not ashamed of her swim suit....which is a pair of long shorts and a tank top with a bra underneath. She tells her camp counselors, with a smile on her face, "I choose to be modest in my dress." They are amazed at her knowledge of the scripture and her understanding of God's Word. She talks about her mom all the time and also about her dad and brothers. She acts bonded, just like the other girls. She eats lunch and dinner sitting next to our Youth Pastor and he says she has been more than appropriate. My concerns for her hoarding and gorging were not necessary, I guess. That is the thing. We do not know what kind of a job we are doing as parents. I am a tad tickled at the report I got. She represented herself as I have seen all those other home schooled kids do. PLEASE know I am not saying all public schooled kids are rude and obnoxious. Bud was and is still a polite young man. What I am saying is, my second chance...that parenting style I adapted...is working!"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

Zachary went to Cocokey Water Resort for an overnight with my mom and sister and my sister's grandkids. The report from there was just as good. He was well behaved...a bit overstimulated, as they all were, but he listened. He was polite and well mannered. My mom made a comment to me yesterday. She said, "Your children are very polite and well-behaved. You are a good mom, but your children are too sheltered." I reminded her of the things she had said a few minutes before about my children being so well behaved and appropriate and asked her if she had ever thought that may be the reason. Are my children too sheltered? I do not think I sheltered my boys enough. I respect my mother greatly, but I am doing this round differently. If that means my children appear too sheltered, then that is ok. I take no offense. I missed my Zach when he was gone overnight and I miss Charlotte terribly. She will be home this afternoon. Her new porcelain faced, Anne doll will be waiting for her."Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!" Psalm 127:3-5a ESV

Will this be a regular thing for my kids? Absolutely NOT! It will be the exception, not the rule. There is a new standard this time around. Thankfully, I have my husband's blessing in this. He trusts me to do the absolute best for these kids. I pray my best is God's best for them. Hopefully it will not take a third chance!!!

Be Blessed,

Bren

The Family Blessing-More Than A Review

"You are an outstanding woman for all you do for your children. I admire you more than you will ever know."

"Your children are blessed to have you for a mother. You are a gift from God."

"What a Godly example you are of a mother. Your children are so fortunate to have you."

"I don't know how you do it. You are amazing."

Those are just a few of the things I am told regularly from other bloggers and friends. They are copied and pasted here from actual e-mails, the most recent just a couple of days ago. If you want to continue thinking these things about me, then you will need to stop reading NOW.

No, I am not going to belittle myself, or think untrue things regarding my character. I do not have a low self-esteem (in most areas I am a pretty decent person), nor am I seeking someone to tell me I am wrong. I already have conformation from God that what I am about to share is truth. It is ok...I am forgiven and I forgive myself and I will take what I have seen in myself and change it immediately. I am sharing it, because I want to be held accountable. I need accountability. Hopefully, all the pretty pictures will make this post not so ugly! Anyone reading here for any length of time, knows the struggles I have had in raising my daughter. I have shared numerous times of my resentment, anger, hostility, and frustration. It is also no secret that I love this little girl more than my own life. I want to see her succeed in the future but walk in doubt and fear that she will be nothing less than a transient. Great faith there, eh? Well, in doing the library project I pulled a little book called The Family Blessing by Rolf Garborg. I had felt a pull to read it, but then thought, "Nah...I have too much to do. I will put it on my mental list to check out later." Back in the pile it went. When putting books back in a box to take to the church, I again felt an urge to read this book. It is light reading, I am sure from the title. Just a quick read of 105 pages...a couple of hours at the most. So I pulled it and sat down just this morning. I am numb. I am humbled. I am convicted beyond words. A light read it was not. Not for me anyway.It started out as a sweet message about how a father used the principles of A. W.Tozer's words,

"If it is good, God did it. And if it is bad, I did it, and it's worse than it looks."

He uses this with his children, speaking a daily blessing over them. It all sounds wonderful and the principles are definitely scriptural. Jesus blessed the children. The Bible is full of actual blessings spoken over God's people.The book stays light, though with enough meat to really chew on...

"Our greatest responsibility to our children is to exhibit the heart of God to them"

Mr Garborg also shares the story of the Chinese Bamboo tree, and how the seed lays dormant for 5 years. Still it needs tending and care. You see nothing come from all your efforts until 5 years later when that one seed shoots sixty feet into a mature tree in one years time. A wonderful analogy as to all that we sow into people. We may not see growth, but the care and nurturing are still vital.

All of a sudden 1/2 way through the book, all the light, feel good stuff is gone. What is left is a huge knot in my stomach and words that feel like a knife in my gut.

""Death and life," says the book of Proverbs, "are in the power of the tongue." (18:21). Nowhere is the reality clearer than in the dynamics of family life. The words parents speak to their children day in and day out, even in casual conversation, create an atmosphere in the home over time that either chokes and poisons their young spirits or nourishes and strengthens them. The results can be devastating or life-giving: "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." (Prov. 12:18 NIV)

Oh. My. Goodness. Goodness is too strong of a word!! I should have said Oh my badness!! Mr Garborg goes on with his knife words....

"We have the daily choice as parents to speak life or death to our children. Speaking "death"---destroying their self esteem with negative labels, nicknames, household reputations, or self fulfilling prophecies---is what the Bible calls "cursing"; we will deal with that issue specifically in chapter 7. But even if we rarely inflict these kinds of verbal injuries on our children, we may still be guilty of draining the life from their spirits by our negligence or reluctance to "speak well" of them."

OUCH! I confess before man that I am guilty. I have given my daughter nicknames, a household reputation, negative labels, and self fulfilling prophecies. The author gave me an "out" that I could say I am guilty but "rarely inflict" this on my daughter. I can not in good conscience take that "out". I do this regularly. I could tell you it is a curse that most mom's of RAD kids have...I can't say that cause I do not know that to be true. I could justify it all, at least in my own mind, but that will only delay the inevitable....you see this is not the first sign that God has been dealing with me in this area. It has been going on for weeks now. Every time I turn around, I see something. A post from a fellow blogger, a piece of scripture (James 1:19-20 among others), a word from my husband....who listened with out comment as I read him, out loud, the above experts. Then when I was finished he said, "I am not going to say anything." That said it all.

"You Can't Saw Sawdust" That is the title of Chapter 7...that chapter where he will go into more detail on my parenting style and how my tongue created sawdust in my daughter's life. It may seem this chapter would be the dreaded one...yet it is where I found hope. The authors words were like a salve on my open, gash.

"Hurts and wounds can be healed. The resentment can be replaced by an attitude reflecting God's character. The heart of bitterness that destroys a life can become a heart of praise and gratefulness to God."

Words of hope...no you can not turn back the clock, nor put the toothpaste back in the tube, nor can you saw sawdust...you can however, per the author, take the sawdust and make something new...particleboard!! Solid and usable. Charlotte came to me splintered. Her physical life was hanging by a thread and by all reason, she should not have been alive. Today she is physically healthy....my care healed her body. What about her splintered spirit? I see sawdust when I think of it. Today I will start to speak blessings and not cursings on Charlotte (and my other children) It is a lie to say that an unattached child is impossible to love. It is a lie to say an unattached child can not receive love. A blessing is love. A cursing is hate. Anyone, can receive either of these. Isn't it ironic that I always close my posts with the phrase, "Blessings"? It is time I start doing just that!

God First

Aren't they a beautiful couple?? That is Sweetheart's great grandparents on their wedding day. I am planning a post on this couple and their children soon. I want it documented here for my children. The picture is one of my favorites.

So what has been going on in my home? Much of the same, but I will share it all anyway ;). One of my goals for 2009 has to do with my priorities. They are as follows:

God

Sweetheart

My children

My home

My extended family/ministry/friends

It all sounds great right?? In theory. I feel like I do put God first in my heart...in my actions; that is another story. My Spiritual goal for 2009 is to spend more time alone with God. I am in the Word everyday, for home school and for my Thanksgiving blog, but I am talking about the time alone with the Word of God, tasting...my pastor just said to me, "The Word of God should be like honey on your tongue." Right now I am reading through the Psalms and then I will read through the New Testament. In reading my post from the other day, I have realized (and it has been confirmed for me) that I have let my heart grow hard toward my daughter. It is very hard for me to trust her. I also know it is hard for her to trust me. After all these years she has no reason not to, but a traumatized child does not have that logic. I am not a child. I know better, but still allowed my heart to grow cold. Are you thinking, "Don't be so hard on yourself."? Well I have to be in this instance. I came into my office the other day and on my desk was this angel.A note was with it that said:

"For You Mom

God picks Angels

You are my Angel and

I love you.

Charlotte"

Awwwww.....isn't that beautiful? Any mother would be so touched by that. Instinctively, my gut reaction was to think, "Oh my gosh! What is she up to now?" SHAME ON ME! The Lord spoke to me in my time with Him, reminding me I have been praying (along with many of you) for Charlotte to heal and bond to me. When there is a small sign that that is happening, I reject it. Now, know that I did not reject it to her...I told her how beautiful it was and thanked her. Did I thank God? No. I did later, after I repented for my hard heartedness. 2009....a year of God first. Not always an easy thing!

So how are my kids doing?? We are enjoying home school. Reading aloud from the books of Laura Ingalls Wilder and The Magic Map. Zach is thrilled with his Science and Social Studies workbooks....he has asked for more so I ordered him English also.Charlotte is working very hard at math...she is behind, as I will not move forward until a concept is mastered. She wants to catch up so she is doing 2 math lessons a day instead of one at her own choosing.I am working hard at home. My 2 favorite cleaners have been busy....Murphy's Oil and Tea Tree Oil. Love those two mixed together.Two nights in a row I forgot to run the dishwasher. Don't ya hate that??? Two mornings in a row saw breakfast dishes washed by hand....I actually like to wash dishes by hand. The warm water and the time standing at the sink are comforting somehow. I still love my dishwasher, but washing dishes by hand once in a while is no big deal. I am a slob when I wash dishes by hand, always ending up with a midriff full of soapy water. My aprons are stored in the laundry room and are out of sight....therefore out of mind. I decided to hang them right out in the open. First I pressed them all nicely....Nothing prettier than a pressed apron! Then I hung them in their new spot....Right in the kitchen where they belong. Easy to access and ready for use!

Not on my priority list, but I wanted to show you some of the sewing I have done recently. I made 4 sewing machine mats for Christmas gifts. I am just not a great machine quilter!!!! At least the machines will sit on my imperfections!!Two more in these fabrics....Another gift made and received is this little table topper/wall hanging.I had so much fun hand quilting this. I plan to use that braid in other projects....I just loved it.

Well that's all that is going on around here. Thanks for stopping by for a visit!

Have a blessed Day!!!!

Courage and Fabric

I did it. I faced a fear and came out ok. This morning I had to give a deposition in a very emotional case. It has been a stress for weeks. Finally it is over and I handled it with courage and grace. God was in control, for sure!

"For God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."

2 Timothy 1:7

We had a good home school morning in spite of my stress. Math, reading, spelling, and geography, all done without incident and done correctly. How that kid can do math in that position is beyond me!Much of yesterday's trials revolved around behaviors that have been let go here for a time. Sassing back, yelling, provoking another...all back under control.

After the deposition, I needed something....a fabric fix was called for. I needed some fabrics for Christmas gifts anyway. This combo is gorgeous!!! It is a bright powder blue and deep magenta-purple. The picture is not showing the true colors. What a gorgeous bag it will make!Wonderful cardinals and a green accent will make a beautiful apron. This will be a birthday gift.
I had a beautiful lunch with my mom and a quick trip to the store. We have Awana's tonight, so I have a very full day. I plan to go do read aloud with the kids this afternoon and some devotional time with them as well. Charlotte has to write a letter to a missionary for her T&T class. I guess I better go find one....
Have a blessed day!!!!