No Tackle

I have no tackle to share. This is the first Tuesday in 15 weeks that I have no Tackle It Tuesday. I went to the dentist and 3 hours later I can not feel the left side of my face or tounge. When I touch my face it feels "dead" or like I am touching someone elses face. OK, enough of the cry baby drama....I have a beautiful filling to replace a heavy metal one and that makes me smile...at least with the right side of my face.

The Dentist

I spent the morning at the dentist and will need to spend the afternoon there tomorrow as well. Mostly routine care, but I sure hate going to the dentist office. I actually miss the spit bowls. Don't you? I hate that they stick a hose in your mouth and suck up, what was meant to be spit out. Oh, well. My dentist is very sweet and comforting, and takes care of my dentalphobia. I had my work done today and went to make my next appointment for a filling. I had an appointment set up for 3 weeks and the girl at the desk says "unless you want the appointment tomorrow." She happened to say that as the dentist was walking by. Before I could protest and tell her that 3 weeks would be just fine, he said, "Oh , we don't want to wait 3 weeks, get her in tomorrow." Dang!!!! I guess it is better to get it over with. His reasoning was that tomorrow will be a filling, but 3 weeks could end up a root canal. I should thank him...I guess. So I have 2 days of stress and torture. Not that the actual procedures are torture, just the idea of them. Well I do not plan to be a jack o lantern, so I will go. Prays are appreciated.

I was tagged by Nadine for a meme, so here goes.

4 jobs I've had

Waitress (in high school)

Nursing Assistant

Chiropractic Aide

Administrative Assistant (looks like I am good at assisting others!)

4 films I could watch over and over

Anne Of Green Gables

How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days

Sarah Plain and Tall

The Green Mile (there are many more)

4 TV shows I watch

House

ER

Dr. Phil

Wife Swap/Trading Spouses

(I have not watched my soaps in almost a month!!!)

4 places I have lived

I have always lived in Northern IL

4 favorite foods

Country gravy and biscuits

Lasagna

Pie (any kind with double crust)

Anything someone else cooks

4 favorite colors

deep purple

green

red

brown

4 places I'd love to be right now

In Colorado

On Joni's farm

Niagara Falls

In a quilt shop

4 names I love but could/would not use for my children

Isaiah

Julia

Hattie

Abraham

4 people to tag

Linda

Joni

Marilyn

Gudrun

Happy Weekend

If you have nothing of your own to show, then show something that belongs to someone else!!! These are Rachel's. They are part of a set of tea towels she is making for her Grandmother for Christmas. I know her Grandma, and she will like them very much. Rachel's Grandma just fought and won a battle with breast cancer. She is a wonderful woman whom I greatly admire. I am still working on my pink and brown (I have a feeling I will be saying that for a while). I did however find a new project to start. Joni sent me some patterns and I plan to begin those this weekend. I need to have something portable.
I found a couple of new blogs that I think are just wonderful. They are pretty new so check them out. Both ladies are very talented. First is Marilyn. You will find her at Piece by Piece. She has a beautiful "monster in the livingroom" and is a hand and machine quilter. Lots of fun!! Also, I found Christine through Margaret. Isn't it fun how we all lead each other to others like us! Christine's blog is The Little World Of Christine. She has actually been around for a while so her archives are there for the browse! Christine sent me a wonderful mug rug, just for commenting. I was actually 6th and the first 5 got one, but she was so sweet!! I got one too. I will use it next to my computer. Here is a view of the front and the back. The pup in the middle looks like Carly.

Thank you Christine!! Christine posted about new embroidery patterns recently so I am anxious to see what she is going to do.

I have been tagged to do a meme by both SuBee and Lily, but I already did it. You can go back and look at it, but it is quite boring. SuBee also awarded me the "You Make Me Smile Award". Thank you so much SuBee!!! You make me smile too! I would like to pass this on to the 2 new blogs I just picked up, Marilyn and Christine. Please play the Meme also, ladies. Just go to Lily or SuBee's blogs and get the info. It is late here and I do not have the energy to type it all out. Does that sound like whining? Well it was. Speaking of late...here is what my son gets like when he is over tired. (for some reason you have to let it buffer...the play line fills in gray..it takes a minute, sorry)

The Face of Trauma

There are many faces of trauma. This is one of them. In sharing our experience, we hope to shed some light on things that the average person has no idea about. It may appear to be a horror story, but it is not. It is about survival and surviving. This is a success story. We have all experienced trauma in our lives. Some more than others, however, trauma is trauma. One person's loss is no more significant in their life than another person. How do we deal with trauma? Everyone is different. The mechanism in our brain that tells us how to respond to trauma is formed by the age of 3. That is right. Everyone's brain is wired for stress in the first 36 months. There are 3 basic ways you can deal with trauma. Fight, Flight or Freeze! This is not a story of Charlotte, but a story of Charlotte and her Mother....that would be me.Charlotte's trauma, became my trauma. We handled it in a very different way. Charlotte's way of dealing with trauma has been pretty consistent. Mine, however, has been all over the place. We were both in very different places in our first 3 years of life. Here are pictures of Charlotte and I, both at age 2. This is one of three pictures of Charlotte that exist before she came to me.

I was held, nurtured, loved and cared for. All my needs were met in a timely manner with loving hands, eye contact and sweet words. Charlotte was cast aside, hated, and neglected. Her needs were seldom met and when they were, it was with a slap, a pinch, no eye contact, and a dirty bottle propped on a makeshift pillow, given with unloving hands and a string of curse word, filled accusations. I was given lots of toys and interaction. Charlotte's toys, given by unknowing family members, were sold for drugs and she had little or no interactions. We both ate macaroni and cheese during our first few years. Mine was served in a bowl after it had been prepared with hands that cared. Charlotte's was stolen from a cupboard and eaten straight from the box in a dark corner of a room. Charlotte had her own room. I shared mine with my sister. Mine had a bed with sheets and pillows and a warm feeling where I was tucked in with a hug and a kiss every night. Charlotte's was cold with a plastic crib mattress on the floor. Her only blankets were the dirty, over sized clothes on the floor and the door was locked from the outside. Charlotte spent days at a time in that room, eating the lead riddled paint off the walls that would poison her blood for so long it would find it's way to her bones. Thank goodness her pets were fed regularly. I had no pets during my first 3 years. Charlotte had MANY pets...not just the mice and cock roaches she loved, but the hamsters, cats, and bunny that shared their food with her. The cats and bunny survived Charlotte's love, but the hamsters, mice and cock roaches did not. When I was 2-3 years old, I was healthy. Other than the fact that my mother always cut my bangs too short, my hair looked shiny and healthy. I was a chubby little girl with rosy cheeks and bright white teeth. Charlotte was a teeny, tiny thing. She was always mistook for being a year younger than she was. At 3, her skin was pale and her hair was dull and flat and her bangs were cut completely off. It fell out by the handfuls. She had no glow to her and, though she smiled often, her eyes were blank. Her teeth were chipped with decay and along with a myriad of other things, she had been diagnosed "failure to thrive". It was during this time in our lives that our brains were forming their neuropathways. My brain recognized trauma, just as Charlotte's did. My trauma, like many other children's, was the soap put in my mouth after repeating a swear word, the worst thing I can remember during my first 3 years. Charlotte's was being put under the kitchen sink and having it tied shut with a shoe string and being left there for "2 sleeps". (I am not sharing some of her worst traumas) The difference is that my brain had formed neuropathways to help me cope with my trauma. I did not think I was going to die from the soap in my mouth. It did not take away from the fact that I knew I was loved. Charlotte's trauma of being put under the kitchen sink became more than her brain could handle, so in order to survive, she tells a very different ending than the one that really happened. In the real story, the womb and vampire came home and let her out. If you hear her tell the ending, she will tell you with extreme dramatization that I came in and rescued her and then beat up the womb and the vampire and brought her to her new home. She needs that fantasy to survive the reality. I just smile at her tale knowing in my heart that if I had only known, that would have surly been the reality!

So how does all this define us? It makes us who we are. Something as simple as picking up a crying baby to meet their need can create a neuropathway, or ignoring the baby's cry as stubbornness can disturb a neuropathway. Dr. Spock, himself, (the one who said, let them cry themselves to sleep) while in his 80's, apologized, saying he had made a grave mistake and had contributed to the fall of a generation. You can not spoil a child on the inside. You can never love a child too much. I think some parents show their love in material ways and that also causes a disturbance in the neuropathways of the brain. The longing is for touch...for eye contact...for love. Did you know when you make eye contact with someone, it stimulates the frontal lobe of the brain and causes all kinds of "flow" in our neuropathways. Babies who got no eye contact, make no eye contact. The stimulation it causes makes for an uncomfortable feeling instead of a connection. I sound like I know my stuff, huh?! Well I don't. Ask Charlotte. When Charlotte came to me just after I turned 40 years old, I was not at all prepared. I had no education in abuse or neglect. I had no idea of the depths that mental illness and drug addiction could take a person. I knew alot about Satan, but had never known of anyone who actually worshiped him outright. Charlotte came to me immersed in these things. I remember my lawyer saying "Don't take this little girl. She will kill you in your sleep." WHAT!!!??? She is 3!! All she needs is love. Well, we were both wrong. Charlotte will never kill me in my sleep, but she needs alot more than love. She needs parents who have an in depth understanding of her brain and who she is. Now I am going to tell you something about me that is not pretty...there have been days, where the thought of dealing with this little girl has almost made me physically sick. That is a hard thing to admit, but it is true. I believe that I am not the same person who turned 40 those 7 years ago. After 11 therapists, counselors, and doctors, admitted failure in their endeavour to help us, I have become hard and unfeeling in some areas. It is that protective mechanism. A woman of strong faith, that loved God more than anything in this world...I walked away from the church (who became divided about my situation) and from my first love, Jesus. How did this happen? Charlotte's trauma, was causing trauma in my own life. Hence the Fight or Flight or Freeze...I chose Flight in some areas of my life and Fight in others. I actually chose Freeze a couple of times, I am sure. People in my life saw how I was changing. My Sweet Hubby, looked at me differently when I was "dealing" with Charlotte. I could see the disappointment in his eyes and knew he was confused by my behavior. He saw someone who was very loving with her sons, both biological and adopted, and just could not seem to connect on a maternal level with this beautiful little girl. This is not uncommon among these situations. Charlotte's voice would change when her Daddy came home. She became sweet, cooperative, and loving. Her face would almost visibly contort to a different being when he left for work every morning. She would spend her days stealing, lying, raging, hoarding, gorging, abusing the dog, destroying any material possession she got her hands on, and making herself bleed using the blood as paint. She would physically attack me to the point of bruises. All behaviors you will find in a traumatized, unattached child. These children are angry, and rightfully so. Before I knew better, I held the door shut on a 35 pound, 4 year old and she pulled that door open in one swoop against all my weight! I flew across her room as the door was pulled open. Rage. It is always formed out of fear. Fear. It is the end result of a child who was not loved. Love. When it is "perfect" it casts out all fear. Has my love for Charlotte been perfect....results tell me no. I was using logic, and consequences with a child whose brain did not have the neuropathways to comprehend them. Well this IS a success story, as I said in the beginning. Many of these behaviors have decreased or stopped. Some remain. Some come and go in cycles. This time of year is especially difficult as the halloween season approaches and "evil" looking decorations come out. She is triggered in her brain. After years, I began to get on my face before God and seek His wisdom. He is not changing Charlotte as I had prayed so many times, for so long. No, He is changing me. He is giving me the keys to unlock my daughter's healing. He is showing me a way to form new neuropathways... those that were not formed during infancy. YES!! The brain can be changed! He is giving me a new chance to be the mother that Charlotte needs...not the mother I thought she needed. Real and perfect love, is being willing to admit you don't know what you are doing and opening yourself up to becoming what the child needs, even if it is the exact opposite of what you thought it was. Love is the key, though it is not enough. Knowledge based in love is enough. "My people perish for lack of knowledge". I thank God for providing us with the knowledge needed to do the work, and the mercy and grace to give this humbled servant another chance. The story is not over. I will share more at another time. Now please go pick up your crying babies.

We Have Winners!

The kids were very excited to pull the names of the winners of the 100th post drawing. They took their responsibilities very seriously.And Charlotte's winner is....Cheryl from Quilting Hollow!! Cheryl wins the bag and book....
Zachary's turn...And Zachary's winner is...Jeanne from Luv 2 Stitch! You made it under the wire, Jeanne! Jeanne wins the Farmer's Wife tote,and the recipe box...Just e-mail me your snail mail addresses ladies!
I want to thank everyone for your wonderful comments! When I asked about your most memorable moments, I was not sure what I was expecting...maybe to see who really read my blog...but I was overwhelmed with the heart felt comments.
The winner of the binder will be posted on our home school blog...Sweet Hubby pulled the winner. I hope to clear up a small misunderstanding...my home school blog was celebrating 100 posts on THIS blog. I am a huge blabber mouth, but even I would find it difficult to post 200 times in a short period. I think I am somewhere in the 20's on the home school blog, so it will be a while yet!
I want to give you all a little heads up about something I have decided. I have never had a copyright on my blog. Any information you find here is yours...until tomorrow. I am starting a monthly series tomorrow and need to make sure it is covered by a copyright, as it is not just my story or life. As far as any quilting, organization and household posts are concerned, feel free to use them. As for posts about my family, please, I ask, especially in light of my series, that you do not infringe on this copyright. I will be taking a huge risk here, but Sweet Hubby and I feel it will serve several important purposed. It will educate and give light at the end of an otherwise dark tunnel in someones life, and it will give purpose to so many tragic moments in the life of my precious children. Thank you for all the positive feed back on my blog.

Tackle It Tuesday & Moving South

Here it is...Tackle It Tuesday!!! This week I tackled the front closet. With colder weather coming, jackets and coats will be used regularly. This closet gets very neglected over the summer months as coats and jackets are not needed. Here are the before pictures.
The top of the closet was not bad, except a jacket was thrown up there, somehow. Here are the after pictures... Hey!! I wondered what happened to that kid!!!!

I also found my Quilt Diva jacket! For more Tackle It Tuesday's visit 5 Minutes For Mom!

Last night I felt like I had entered the Alfred Hitchcock movie "The Birds". Of course by the time I got my camera they were mostly gone. Here are a few stragglers.... The scene before this would have been solid black, as the flock was so thick. The sound was tremendous! All going South for the winter. Now look what came from the South yesterday.

Donna from ChookyBlue... sent this to me. How sweet! Thank You Donna! I first thought it was an older issue as it is announcing the coming of Spring...duh! It is now Spring there!! I spent all evening pouring over it. I have never read one before, so it was quite a thrill. Here is a definite soon to be project! I am excited to draw the winners of my drawing tomorrow. I hope everyone got their names in. If not, please go down a couple of posts and leave a comment to get your name in before tomorrow noon (my time). See you then!

Contentment

My mailman, God love him, brought me a special envelope the other day. Look what I got... Tamara sent me this fat quarter I won in her draw (the fabric in the background), and this cool pad of paper. The paper has a magnet on the back so I put it on the side of my file cabinet next to my desk...I can't wait to write a quilty note to someone! Look at the Quilt Diva.Love the slippers! I can see myself in there a little bit. Can you see yourself? Be honest! The card Tamara sent me brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for your wonderful words Tamara and for the beautiful fat quarter and paper!

So, here is what I have been up to....

One hoop at a time....

I just love the sense of peace that washes over you while hand stitching...not just quilting, as I am sure knitting, crocheting, embroidery...all of these bring such a feeling of contentment. Have you ever thought about contentment? People are always looking for happiness, but I would rather be content. It is not fleeting, and can not be stolen by a moment of drama or a run of "bad luck". Paul says "Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." Philippians 4:11. The verses before and after are definitely worth looking at too. We are also instructed in Hebrews 13:5 to "...be content with such things as ye have..." I am thinking contentment is a pretty wonderful thing to possess. I am not claiming to have it...though I can get the sense of it while hand quilting. I think it must be something everyone can acquire, not out of reach. The Word says Paul "learned" it, and it is an instruction, so it may be a choice. What do you think? My new goal...contentment.

But, happiness is important too, so to make you happy (wink) I am again working on this... Hmmmm...this could be part of learning contentment....I am content with my struggle to applique all these curvy, hard to handle, ridiculously tiny pieces of fabric, in order to create my Masterpiece!!! I assume the contentment Paul talks about, is a peace that even a tiny oak leaf made from fabric that does not want to needle turn, can't touch!