Friday, August 10, 2007

Control Freak

I had to snap a picture of that cloud. It was the view from my front porch at dusk last night. You can't tell from the photo, but the top cloud was a bright pink. It really was gorgeous! OK, so onto my thoughts this morning. I am a control freak. I am sure most of you have figured that out about me by now. The problem is, I have control over NOTHING in my life at this point. I think life and God are trying to teach me something. I do not drink and drugs were never a problem for me because I do not like the feeling of being out of control. I was not born an organized person so I have to work very hard to maintain any sort of order in my world. My son Kyle had over 100 seizures a day from the time he was 6 weeks old til he was 12 years old. No control over any of that! My first son, Bud, was born with a cleft lip and palate, surgeries from 3 months old and on. No control! Life happens everyday and we have no control. Now Charlotte and Zachary come into my life. True blessings, but again, daily situations where I have no control. Now the problem with all this is, I feel these situations should be something I can control. As a mother I have a need to "fix" things. I could not fix my son's lip, though I could see that someone else did. I could not fix Kyle's brain, though God took care of that once I released the desire to control it myself. Try as I might, I can not fix the damage that was done by the womb and the vampire! Still, no control. What can I do? I can find an area of my life where I can have control. I can make myself organized!! I can control that, right? Is it wrong to want control over things? Not the kind of control where everyone else has to bend to your way of thinking or life. I am talking about the kind of control that brings order and peace. The kind of control where everything feels right with the world. I have noticed that Charlotte and Zach seem to thrive in a clean, organized environment. When there is chaos and clutter, disorder reigns. Now I figured out where the term "disorderly conduct" comes from!!

So for some of you it may seem that daily, control freak cleaning is a waste of time, but I have learned that the effect it has on my family makes things much easier here. I also want to make sure there is balance. I am not a clean fanatic by nature, though I would not call myself a slob...well maybe I would. I think I told Sweet Hubby the other day that I was a slob. This was after cleaning a room that had been neglected for a while. He did not disagree, though he is a born clean freak! He helps alot and has no problem cleaning. I just don't want him to. Again, control. So, back to balance. I put my main housekeeping tool away for the summer as I felt it was routine. Big mistake. I get sidetracked so easily (no, I am not ADD). I pulled my Control Journal (don't snicker at me!) back out today and am feeling somewhat in control again!
It sits on an easel on my counter. See the flower pressed at the top over the C? That is a flower TJ brought me the other day. Makes me feel good to see it. I made this Control Journal and it is tailored for me. I did not follow anyones template, though the name of the journal comes from flylady. It contains my daily routines.
And a section for my daily housekeeping lists.

Thursday and Saturday are light days and there is no list for Sunday. It is suppose to be a day off, and if I follow the Control Journal that does happen. There is also a Menu/Grocery List section, and a Monthly/Quarterly list that contains those jobs that only need to be done once in a while. It all sounds very OCD, however, it is really an important tool to keep me from going there. I guess in all of the situations in my life that have led to a feeling of not having control, I have went to the extreme when it comes to my desire to keep order and chaos out of my house. Believe me I am not to an unhealthy extreme. I would never ask someone to take off their shoes, I do not comb the fringe on my rugs, and I want people to feel at home and put their feet up on my coffee table if they want to. I would love for my house to be "Dianne ready" all the time. That would be "company ready" for the rest of you. Dianne is my mother-in-love who I have a very high regard for. She would never judge me and has seen my house at it's worst, but her house is amazingly clean. Her own mother raised 12 children (10 boys,then 2 girls) in an immaculate home.

So to implement the Control Journal means I will spend a couple hours a day cleaning and the rest will be my own. That is after home school. Without the Control Journal it seems all I do is clean, or see the need to clean. I am thinking a control journal type schedule might work for quilting too. Mondays could be hand applique, Tuesdays could be machine piecing......no, that is not necessary, because we never have to make ourselves quilt or do the things we love to do. The problem is I can not enjoy quilting if I am in chaos. My goal is not to be known for a clean house or the lady whose floors always shine. I want to be looked at as a person who enjoys life and has a peaceful home. A place of solace and joy. It is finding that balance. I think I am finding my way, but I'll let you know when I get there.

17 comments:

Guðrún said...

I see what you mean and there are a lot of things that are true for myself. I can´t enjoy quilting or even begin when I know of other things around the house I should do. If this control journal works for you then it is great.

Karolee said...

I love the control journal. I have a book like it where I put in the monthly budget and all of my weekly menus. I really should add a 'chore' list. When I don't plan my menus, I don't shop well, and my budget gets off.

Great cloud photo.

Libby said...

That is an excellent way to stay on top of everything without feeling overwhelmed. I have done this myself (without a written plan) in the past and really need to get back on schedule. Life is so much easier when everything just happens in it's order. Thanks for reminding me *s*

Joni said...

I like the cloud photo too and I can see the pink on top. Neat!

Sending you peaceful thoughts!

meggie said...

Lovely clouds! Just love sky scapes. I must have posted about 20 since I started blogging. I can look out over my balcony, see wonderful sunsets.
Your life is busy & demanding. Be sure to take some time, just for you.

Finn said...

Hi Bren, just popping in to say "hi" and see how you are doing in your corner of the world.
It all sounds very interesting, altho a bit hard on yourself, but if things being done are what is needed to make a happy life and happy home for you...more power to you!!! It takes a lot of self discipline to set a straight path like that and keep to it..*S* I'm sure you are just the gal who can!! Hugs, Finn

Melzie said...

girl are you SURE we werent just seperated at birth or something? :) I NEED a control journal so badly, but I am so disorganized and overwhelemed I cant even get that far. Sigh. xoxo melzie

HsKubes said...

I pray the Lord will give you victory. ;o)

Thank you for the kind words and encouragement you left. They were such a blessing to us!

~ Christina

ann said...

Your control journal pages are beautiful. Did you use pretty printing paper or find pretty graphics on the internet. I have a daily schedule for myself and when I keep to it, all goes very smoothly. My pages are boring looking though. I'd love to have pretty ones like you.

Jenny said...

I know that I am not able to relax and enjoy everything else until "my house is in order."

Darlene said...

Having order makes such a difference in our lives. Makes us feel that we are in 'control'. :-)
I understand exactly what you're saying - I'm a true control freak. I've gotten better as I've gotten older, though!

Lynda (Granny K) said...

Please don't be hard on yourself! I think you achieve an amazing amount. I am a totally random cleaner, no organisation, just wander about cleaning whatever looks like it needs it! My eldest son once told me 'dust is like the clouds mum, always there'. Whatever makes you and your family happy, that's the answer. (Beware the 'blogfluence', which makes time disappear whenever you log on!) Have a happy weekend and hug your kids from me.

Alice said...

Hello Bren - I found your blog through Meggie's. Your 'Control Journal' looks like the perfect tool for me, too. I have plenty of time, being retired, but I tend to waste so much of it.

I'm looking forward to reading so much more of your blog.

homemakerkate said...

Big Hugs, I would never laugh at you (only with you!) I remeber the control journal from Flylady, yours looks a LOT better then mine, I hardly ever used it, but maybe it is time to dust it off and use it for a leap pad to getting it together! GREAT IDEA BREN!
hugs
K

Alice said...

I also loved that cloud photo. If you like clouds then check out the www.cloudappreciationsociety.org
Look at the shots on their Photo Gallery. There are hundreds of clouds like you wouldn't believe possible - but we know that the Master Cloudmaker can make the most wonderful clouds for us to admire.

Karen said...

I always have struggled in this area, too. I want to "make everything right", but about 3 years ago, God dealt with me on that! I now have a peace that HE is in control.
Thanks for visiting and leaving a comment! I'm trying to get around to my new commentors from the past few weeks, and I was afraid I'd missed you! It's nice to "meet" you!

Kim said...

I can't really enjoy quilting if there are chores that need to be done, like cleaning house. I just feel too guilty or too much like I ought to be taking care of something else--not quite guilt, but that's the best way to describe it, I guess. But I'm sure not very organized like you are. That's okay though--it still works for me. Of course, I remember it was harder when we had kids at home, and it was more important to be organized then.